Sunshine in a Foggy Morning

What does it mean when you’re crossing the boundaries of friendship and an actual relationship?

How does one deal when a guy thinks your friendship would eventually lead to somewhere, while you.. you’re still wondering if it’s all worth it?

Men have an odd way of saying, “You make me happy.” And us women simply fall for it—hook, line, and sinker—especially if they say it in a more sincere way. There’s nothing more fulfilling than being someone’s reason for a smile, than being the cause of someone’s sleeping at night with a smile on his face. I am no different from the rest of the general population of women. I have that same weakness to be needed and loved.

But for the past two years, that need has not been something that I have really felt. There was too much security in how much I loved myself. I used to say all the time “I love myself enough that I don’t need anyone else’s love to make me feel complete.” But now as I write this early in the morning, in a rush so I can get to school on time, I begin to think that while it may be true that I don’t need anyone’s love to complete me, that feeling of actually being someone important in another person’s life is something that I have not felt in a long time. And what’s more is that I miss that feeling.

What’s more is that actually making him happy is something that I find myself wanting to be doing. There’s that smile on his face, that twinkle in his eyes that I would be loathe to see snuffed out. And if what he said was true, that when he was around me, he always felt better, happier, then I would not want to be the cause of affecting him oppositely.

What began as being friends with him for the fun of it, just might turn into more than just a game.

Do I want this?

More importantly, am I just imagining this?

Can I risk hurting another guy just because I have this need of mine to fulfil? Or am I really starting to become attached to him? It’s much too early to tell. As he said, “It would be smart to take things slow.” But not in the context that he meant, because he was talking about the fact that if something did happen, it would be a big deal within the family. On my side, taking it slow just might be smart because it helps us evaluate where we really want to go with this. Me, especially.

I swore to never be in a relationship.

I don’t know what I’m getting myself into.

Is this just another escape for this errant bird to fly despite clipped wings? Or is this me finally taking a chance on something that I always saw as folly? No matter the case, it’s too soon to tell. Even if there were a spark there, even if something beautiful could come from it, there is one thought that I cannot shake from my mind:

What if he is leading me on the same way that I am now?

Don’t mistake me, I’m not leading him on out of cruelty or manipulation. I simply want to go on and see where this will all lead to. He said it himself, you never know what something could lead to if you don’t give it a chance.

But what if in the end, it’s him who decides that this isn’t what he wants while I’m left alone, yet again, an errant bird who cannot fly?