Life in a Fantastical Movie

When you’re an eleven year old girl and that boy sitting across the room meets your gaze and turns away shyly, you know it at once: he likes you. And since you were so obviously looking at him, it is undeniable that you like him too. I learned to flirt at such a young age. I had my first, well, you can call it ‘boyfriend’ if you’d want to, but I prefer to refer to him as a childhood sweetheart, at twelve years old.

His name was Julian. Even his name was so sweet.

It was at that point in my life, while I was an angst ridden teenager, still reeling from the remarriage of my mother to a man (coincidentally also named Julian) that I would soon come to love as my own father in the coming years, that I decided I needed someone to love me. He was perfect. That exact ideal that every young girl wanted to find in the guy she would fall in love with. He was handsome, smart, talented, had a great accent, and most importantly, he always, always said the right things.

Many would call me a film buff, and even I myself admit without a blush of embarrassment that I spend far too much time in the world of film than in reality. It should follow then, that my life was centred in movies. Everything that Julian said seemed absolutely made for a good sappy romantic movie that you would just love to kick once it’s over because of all the clichéd lines in it. But that was how it was.

I remember telling him that I felt that the whole world hated me, and that there was no one in the world who could ever understand me (did I mention I was filled with angst at this age?). Says Julian, “I’m a part of this world, and I don’t hate you.”

Nearly six years and countless ‘romantic’ interests later, I still remember his exact words. Funny how the stupidest things kids do and say could be one of the most memorable things in one’s life.

I’ll never forget Julian. I’ll never forget those things that he told me.

But I grew up.

A point came in my life where I became disillusioned by the realities of what a real relationship was and simply decided that I didn’t want it anymore. I did have one other real relationship after him. Kyle was a good guy. He was sweet, awkward, and basically the most important guy to ever have been in my life. I am actually proud of the fact that our friendship survived after we realised that a relationship just was not the right path for us to take.

However, even as I was with Kyle, a good long time after my childhood sweetheart and I fell out of each other’s lives, I still found myself comparing what it my first experience in a relationship was with what I then had with Kyle. They say that you’re never supposed to compare relationships, but whoever said that must never have been with a guy who lived up to the fantasy of an ideal. I did, and realising that that ideal was just a fantasy did not make me stop loving it any less. It made me more realistic in the sense that I knew it could never be, but I never stopped dreaming of it.

Why Julian and I broke up is not even a real question—we were young, and young people do stupid things. It was inevitable. Why Kyle and I broke up was mostly because of the fact that I loved him better as a friend than I did a boyfriend. He loved me though. I know he did, and he says that he still does. But love was not all that I was looking for. In my fantasy, there was life. There was beauty. There was... excitement. My relationship with Kyle came to the point where everything was always the same, where there was nothing new we each could bring to each other’s table. The security became so stifling, especially for me—a self proclaimed errant bird.

Carpe Diem is an adage that has lost its virtue in its popularity. Everyone knows it and says it. “Seize the day!” “Live every moment as if it were your last.” But do we really? We are so concerned with being careful, so concerned with our future that we forget that every moment that passes by could very well be our last. Kyle never understood this. He was the conscientious type of guy that my parents absolutely adored because he had the right personality, came from a good family, and was very goal oriented. But what about life?

What about slowing down to appreciate the beauty of everything around you, for one single moment simply closing your eyes and feeling the matter—yes—the matter, that surrounds you. It all seems so fantastical. All so much like a dream. But if you try to feel it, you will.

I have.

It’s funny because tonight I was talking to him, and he seemed to know exactly what I wanted to achieve by moving here, even if things did not turn out quite the way I planned. There came something in his life that changed his perspective, that changed his plans. I will not get into it for the sake of respecting his privacy, and mostly because there is no need to. My point is simple: he understands exactly what I mean. And he feels the exact same way.

It’s funny because what we have now seems almost like a movie. With the perfect lines, the plot filled with seemingly hopeless obstacles standing in the way, that excitement and fun, and the pace. It seems improbable. It seems almost too good to be true. And maybe it is. We have known each other for a little more than two weeks, after all.

But from two people who are determined to make every single moment count, what else could one expect?