Strange Realisations and Caffeine Fixes

Let this moment flutter by. I am entranced by a song. A smile is on my face. I cannot help but feel happy, even if there is absolutely no reason for me to. Maybe it’s the caffeine. I had four cups. One cup for each page of the paper that I had to write. He seems off tonight. Or maybe I’m just extra bouncy because of this caffeine fix. Either way, we’re on different levels tonight.

Levels.

Ha. I laugh. I don’t know why I see him the way I see him now. It’s impossible. There is absolutely no structure to this little song we’re dancing to. It occurs to me that I do not quite know how to place my feelings at the moment. I used to be so certain of how I felt. Everything used to be so clear. I lived for the moment; that was it. Now I have all these emotions inside of me that seem to dictate that I take a closer look at my situation.

Three days hence, and it will be a month since I met him. Has it really only been a month? I guess so. I still barely know him. But I do know that he’s promising.

Let’s face it. I’m going to face it. I, that girl who swore against relationships, now has this ‘thing’ with this guy. It’s official. Yes, indeed it is. It is a ‘thing’. At least that’s what we’re calling it for now. It’s too soon to call it anything else. For two people who both live in the moment, we seem to be taking small steps toward the relationship phase. But maybe that’s why we’re taking small steps. Because we tend to live in the moment.

A relationship is long term. It requires work, commitment, dedication. Things that I’m not sure I am capable of. Maybe he is. He was in a relationship for three years anyway. On and off but what does it matter? It still happened over a span of three years. THREE YEARS.

My relationships barely lasted three months.

So to be fair to him, and to me, even if I do claim to live in the moment, even if I tend to take risks, this is not one cliff I’m jumping off so easily. I’ll take the long road down, the stairs, the steps, or whatever you call it.

It’s not like he’s going anywhere anyway, and even if he does, I’m not so much attached that it would break my heart for me to lose him.

Yes. Yes. And yes.

I don’t know him well enough to trust him yet. Heck. I don’t trust me with anyone. How else can I trust anyone with me? I’ve been independent for so long, after all.

Oh no!

After typing that last sentence about independence, a thought occurred to me. Could it be that it is my independence that is hindering me? That I cannot take a plunge because of this security that comes from my independence? Talk about irony.

No, no, no.

I swore I would not lull myself into securities. That was the very thing I was afraid of in relationships. That endless routine and that complacency that comes from security. I cannot have this now can I?

How different this conclusion is from what I had anticipated it to be when I first started writing. I suppose that is the good thing about chronicling how one feels. Realisations come that would not otherwise if not forced into words.

Living in the security of something, without the thrill that life brings, is not life at all.

Maybe I should dive down. Forget the stairs, the steps, or whatever you call it.