What can I say that I haven’t already said? I am anxious to write the end of his role in the story of my life, and yet somehow, I cannot bring myself to put into words a conclusion that has not yet arrived between us. A conclusion that I loathed to one day face. To hell with what the world thinks. I promised myself that I would take it for as long as it lasted and walk away with good memories . Brief as our moments were, the rapture that came with it was too divine to give up altogether. With him was the sinful gratification that I found myself aching for.
I write him out to seem perfect. In truth, he is anything but. Then again, neither am I. Alack, the end I have so dreaded has come so soon. And this will be the last thing I have to say with regard to the matter of him.
In this passage is my farewell to those days. In this passage, I write the words I know for certain he will never see or hear. And so I throw it out to the gods of the blogsphere. It’s all I can do.
I am without shame. I know some things should be kept private. That one should not hang out dirty laundry for others to see. But this isn’t dirty laundry.
This is me.
Bared.
There was a time, not too long ago, but long enough, that I thought I wanted so much more from you and I. Believe me when I say that it was not my choice that I came to think that way. In truth, during those first few weeks of our acquaintance, I thought little about what certainty I wanted to have from you.
It was you who changed the way I thought. Those words you uttered, words that I have heard so many times from people who meant them, that I foolishly assumed it was the same matter with you. That you wouldn’t hurt me, that the last girl who caught your interest as much as I did was your girlfriend, that I made you happy.
I disregarded it at first, disregarded you. But then that night you told me to trust you, told me that I could not kiss my way out of it. It was not so much as what happened that night that moved me, but those words you whispered in the soft glow of the light.
So how did I lose you? What did I do that so suddenly changed things? These questions I need not ask, for I knew the answer even before I began to think and feel the way I did. It was the same thing that screwed up every good thing in my life: circumstance.
But for one moment, just that one moment when you told me that I made you happy, I forgot about circumstance altogether. In that moment, I thought that maybe, just maybe, you would be brave enough to stand by me despite the ever present cloud of unfortunate circumstance that follows me around wherever I go.
But you didn’t. And you turned to someone else even while I was still standing there, wanting you, loving you. I deserve better. Even you acknowledged that. But you see.. I didn’t want better. I wanted you.
And now it’s ended. And now our moment has passed. It doesn’t matter what I wanted, because I now know that it was never yours to give. I don’t want to stand here anymore, making a fool of myself. And so I won’t.
Screw words.
It was fun while it lasted.
